704AFC012607
I am at an age when retirement is something all your friends are thinking about but also something you know is much farther off than THEY would believe possible. Because of that, well-meaning friends send stories about retirement, about grandkids, about body-changes that are way more drastic than anything that EVER happened to you at puberty, and of course obituaries. The good thing about that influx of stories is that occasionally one comes along that really is funny; I want to share one like that with you now.
HOWEVER
This does not have anything to do with ME retiring. Mrs. Todd won’t let me!
Retirement Choices – Where To Live
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where —
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where —
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where —
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4 You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where —
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in Texas where —
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where —
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4 The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where —
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
Or you can live in Florida where —
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3 Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Or you can live in Hawaii where —
1. Everyone really is beautiful
2. It takes 7 hours to go grocery shopping, six of which are spent on the road
3. You pay the highest prices for gasoline in the country, but your neighbor gives you free avocados
4. Four out of five government agencies are so inefficient they drain the economy, but they rotate that role so everyone has a chance to go on strike
5. Any day of the week, everything in sight could be wiped out by a tsunami, an earthquake, a volcanic eruption, a hurricane or tornado, a flood, or a rare tropical disease; and you still wouldn’t want to live anywhere else in the world!
Many thanks to my dear friend, Francee, for the first several “verses” to this little litany. And yes, I wrote the one about Hawaii.
Whatever, whenever, wherever, whoever, however, if ever, forever — at your service, Beloved
😉 😛 🙂 🙄
704AFC012607
I am at an age when retirement is something all your friends are thinking about but also something you know is much farther off than THEY would believe possible. Because of that, well-meaning friends send stories about retirement, about grandkids, about body-changes that are way more drastic than anything that EVER happened to you at puberty, and of course obituaries. The good thing about that influx of stories is that occasionally one comes along that really is funny; I want to share one like that with you now.
HOWEVER
This does not have anything to do with ME retiring. Mrs. Todd won’t let me!
Retirement Choices – Where To Live
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where —
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where —
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where —
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4 You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where —
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in Texas where —
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where —
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4 The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where —
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
Or you can live in Florida where —
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3 Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Or you can live in Hawaii where —
1. Everyone really is beautiful
2. It takes 7 hours to go grocery shopping, six of which are spent on the road
3. You pay the highest prices for gasoline in the country, but your neighbor gives you free avocados
4. Four out of five government agencies are so inefficient they drain the economy, but they rotate that role so everyone has a chance to go on strike
5. Any day of the week, everything in sight could be wiped out by a tsunami, an earthquake, a volcanic eruption, a hurricane or tornado, a flood, or a rare tropical disease; and you still wouldn’t want to live anywhere else in the world!
Many thanks to my dear friend, Francee, for the first several “verses” to this little litany. And yes, I wrote the one about Hawaii.
Whatever, whenever, wherever, whoever, however, if ever, forever — at your service, Beloved
😉 😛 🙂 🙄
About Chick Todd
American Roman Catholic reared as a "Baptiterian" in Denver Colorado. Now living on Kauaʻi. USAF Vet. Married for over 50 years. Scripture study has been my passion ever since my first "Bible talk" at age 6 in VBS.
